Why am I this way???

I think about it constantly and fantasize about it frequently, but I've never understood why I am the way I am.  My compulsive fantasy life is split 50/50 between being a woman who is a submissive slut, and being a cuckold to one.  Obviously, I can never be the former, but I'm hopelessly addicted to the idea of becoming the latter. When viewing porn (which I do a LOT!), 99% of it is either interracial or cuckold themed, and I can easily imagine myself living this lifestyle in real life, 24/7.

I don't know why I started acting out sexually as young as I did, but i did; and to this day, I can't honestly say that I was molested or taken advantage of... even at age 7, I knew what was going on and was an eager and willing participant- no one had to entice or coerce me into doing it- though I still don't get why I enjoyed being used so much. Sucking cock was as natural to me as breathing air, from the very first time onwards; the musky male aroma, the feel of a penis in my hand, the warm salty taste of one in my mouth and down my throat, even the coppery taste of hot semen dribbling past my tonsils- I knew even then that this was something I was born to do, though I don't understand why.

When I began having sex with women, I did it in the normal way and had all of the normal reactions to it as any other guy would, but I soon began wanting a more passive role; and the more aggressive the woman, the better I liked it.  I loved getting blowjobs just like any normal guy, but what really rung my bell was when a girlfriend would spit the cum into my mouth afterwards or share it with me in a kiss.  This soon led to eating my own cum EVERY time; I especially liked cleaning a woman's pussy when it was full of cum- mine or anyone else's. This eventually led to discovering my love of golden showers too, but that's another story; even though I didn't know it at the time, I was training myself to be subservient to strong women in addition to my already years-long addiction to cock- especially black cock.

So here I am at age 45, and I'm still a cocksucker and fucktoy when circumstances permit; still a submissive bitch for any woman willing to use me; and still have the biggest orgasms watching interracial and cuckold porn.  I really don't know why I am the way I am, but at this late point in life I've come to accept that this is who and what I am, and am now actively seeking the right Woman to join me on this journey as my love, my cuckoldress, and my owner. 

I hope She comes along soon.