Ever wonder which states have the biggest dicks—literally and figuratively? Ultimately, orgasm for orgasm, when it comes to most types of sexual pleasure,“it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion.” But in these times of monster trucks, monster jobs, monster drinks and monster porn tubes, most men would like to have a meat-monster penis. More and more women are also coming out in favor of Xtra-large love-tools, sending many a humiliated ex reeling into therapy. Some become obsessed by measurements. Personal stats are one thing, but do you know how your state measures up?
Well, wonder no longer because my guest, Nicole Donnelly, President of Condomania, “America’s first condom store,” can tell you, based on condom sales data, which states have the most monster dicks, which skew average and which have the bumper-crop of micro-dicklets. In this year’s Penis Size Olympics, the Peace Garden State is the winner; apparently the oil business isn’t the only thing booming in the North Dakota. Rhode Island, the smallest state in the union, ranks #2, proving that big things cum in small states, or maybe it’s because the state bird is a cock. Conversely, it seems that not everything is bigger in Texas. Penises, for instance. Those ten-gallon Texans don’t rate more than a few ounces on the Condomania Peter Meter, hitting bottom at 41st among the 50 states plus the District of Columbia—which struts its big thick stuff at #4 (must be all those giant dicks in Congress).
Though she demurs about its importance in lovemaking, as president of Condomania (two years ago, she bought the company from her friend, Condomania’s founder, Adam Glickman), Nicole is a wellspring of information on penis size. Being a sexy, savvy single mom out there in the dating world, she’s concerned about safer sex for herself, as well as her customers. Her personal favorite condom brand is “Naked,” but she acknowledges that other folks prefer different strokes, and Condomania sells dozens of brands. She’s passionate about men wearing condoms that “fit” for a more comfortable, natural experience, which Condomania attempts to provide by offering their proverbial “rubbers” in 120 different sizes. Condom sizing depends on length, girth and comfort level, and Condomania even offers a downloadable “fit kit” which Nicole likens to a bra-fitting, so that customers can get their perfect fit. Too bad guys can’t get their condom “fittings” done by Nicole herself, but the “fit kit” gets the job done.
We all agree that condoms are essential tools for every man and woman’s wallet, purse or glove compartment, especially if they’re playing the dating game. And we’re eager to see who wins the Gates Foundation’s $100,000 prize being offered to anyone who develops a condom that feels better than having sex without a condom.
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