Broadcasting live from Bonoboville, we celebrate the Irish/Jewish convergence of Purim and St. Patrick’s Day weekend in one lucky show. At first glance, the feasts of Esther and Erin seem as far apart as Ireland is from Iran. But upon closer inspection, we see that both holidays revolve around luck, lust, lotteries, triangles, copious amounts of ... (red wine or green beer) and the erotic, playful coming of Spring.
Saint Patrick wasn’t even born in Ireland. He was a young British prince kidnapped and enslaved by Irish pirates, but he won his freedom, found Jesus, converted pagans, chased out snakes and became the luckiest Catholic in Irish history and patron saint of the Emerald Isle. Purim honors Esther, the ancient Jewess who won a beauty contest, married the King of Persia (now Iran) and averted an anti-Semitic genocide armed with nothing but her Weapons of Mass Seduction. Esther starts the story as an innocent virgin, but she has sex appeal and cultivates her skills in the art of the tease in order to accomplish a political miracle. The Irish call it “charm.” Lucky Charms aren’t just a cereal, after all; they put the “Sláinte!” in St. Patty’s Day. And seductive charm puts the “L’chayim” in Purim.
That’s why I love Purim: It celebrates sex. It honor’s Esther’s “erotic capital,” as Dr. Catherine Hakim might call that mix of Irish-style charm and Jewish chutzpah. For the past five or six Purims, I’ve put on an erotic exotic Purimschpiel, acting out the Story of Esther with porn stars and comedians playing all the roles in explicit, improvised, Commedia Erotica splendor (see the free PG photos of Purim 2012 and 2013). We’ve also had some wild St. Patty’s party shows on DrSuzy.Tv, including last year’s Squirting St. Patty’s Eve and our St. Patrick’s Sex Evolution Shemale Orgy the year before.
This year, since we’re still renovating our large party space, we have to squeeze Purim and St. Patty’s into a tiny radio studio for a show featuring just one special guest, but oh what a guest. Luzer Twersky is an ex-Orthodox Jewish leprechaun, a critically acclaimed indie actor who wields Weapons of Mass Discussion with a Blarney Stone kisser’s gift of gab and a Borsht Belt kibbitzer’s sense of the absurd. And yes, his name is pronounced just like “loser.” And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of angst his deeply devout parents bequeathed him.
Blessed ... of a prominent Satmar Hasidic “rebbe,” a revered guru in his isolated, extremely austere yet wealthy community, Luzer recalls that he “fucking tried to be a good Jew.” But the cards were stacked against him, or the commandments were—all 613 of them. These mandates controlled everything from how to put his pants on in the morning to how to take them off at night, plus all the little actions he did every day. Though they didn’t tell him how to masturbate. In fact, when the urge naturally arose in young Luzer at the age of seven, his beloved parents issued the mandate with their hands… and beat the crap out of him. Apparently, they’d never heard the prophet George Carlin’s midrash on the subject of self-pleasure: “If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.” Most likely, they’ve never even heard of George Carlin. Like the Amish, not only are Satmar shielded from sexual knowledge, they’re not supposed to go on the Internet or engage in any modern entertainment at all. Unlike the Amish, the boys are steeped in Torah and Talmud study while the girls are encouraged to mother families of 12 and more. Sexual ignorance is a virtue. Luzer had known his wife only one and a half hours before he married her, both virgins on their wedding night. And yet, Luzer quips, he got “his first blow-job at age seven days old,” referring to the metzitzah b’peh in which the mohel rabbi sucks ... from a baby boy’s circumcision wound. Talk about ... abuse! Isn’t infant circumcision itself bad enough? Later schoolboy Luzer’s religious tutor secretly tutored him in sex… while his parents were still beating him for beating off.
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